I did a wholly (un)responsible thing. A thing (un)like me. I didn’t suffer through a duty that I had originally agreed to. I said yes in a rushed way, a familiar way, I gave my affirmative from that neon spot in my brain that fires SCARCITY. If they are asking it must be because they want you and wanting you equals deserving, worth, production.
And wouldn’t you know it immediately after I uttered the words ‘ok, I’ll do it,’ I had to start convincing myself I could white knuckle through it. I could make it happen, it’s only for 8 months, it’s only five hours a week–what are you, some sort of weenie?
Then the boundaries started to get crossed, as they are prone to do and herein lied the opportunity, I could huff and puff and get hurt, aghast by those doing the crossing, or, I had the chance to say, hey wait a minute, I don’t even want to be here. This is my line and it’s been crossed, and that is no one’s fault (meaning it’s nobody’s line) but mine. And not in that shameful, punishing way–although that is tempting–but rather in that curious way.
That little curl of a smile, Oh sweet Amykins you did it again, I see what you wanted to do, you wanted to be safe, you wanted to provide, you wanted to not hurt anyone. Sweet little one, you’re getting hurt though, it’s a lot to shut a part of yourself off to please.
To be completely honest, I’ve actually gotten quite sick of it and the promises have never been yielded, instead I have come to each and every finish line bruised and battered and a whole lot of pissed off.
So I broke it off, I said no thank you, my deepest regrets, it is not in my highest. And then I got very nervous because I thought they’d scoff and say highest, this is service, this is what it means to be a helper. But I think that is my own fears talking because I took them along for a new adventure, a space a bit more unexplored in the folds of my brain. I’m still scared to check my email, still a little tender, I see the temptation to be defensive.
I think I’ll sit here and breathe for a beat, growth is green shoot, vulnerable and new, reaching towards the sun, we did a deeply muscled thing today and her soil needs some shade. I’m learning to say no, blessed be me.